


Avenger Island

by thebrightestbird



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Ridiculous Story, Talk of cannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-23
Updated: 2013-11-23
Packaged: 2018-01-02 10:42:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1055832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebrightestbird/pseuds/thebrightestbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers crash on an island. Tough decisions have to be made (i.e. the Avengers discuss who gets eaten first.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avenger Island

“Okay, I’m just going to say what’s on everyone’s minds. I’m just going to lay it out there.”

“What are you talking about, Tony?”

“Brucie, baby, I hate to be the one to bring this up, but this needs to be asked.”

Tony pauses, looks each and every one of the Avengers in the eyes, and okay, maybe this  _is_  serious. “Who gets eaten first?”

Maybe not.

“Tony, really? It hasn’t even been two hours since we crashed. Besides, we have emergency food packs.”

“Steve, I’ve seen  _Lost_. I know how crashing a plane on a seemingly uninhabited island away from civilization is supposed to go. First things first: Decide who gets eaten. Then we need to find that pipsqueak Linus and kill that bastard right the hell now. Also, I volunteer Barton to step into any caves with gold lights coming out of them.”

“What the  _hell_?” Clint’s about to go off on him because he is  _not_  the Jack of this  _Lost_  rip-off. Sawyer all the way. Smug, roguish, blond, mysterious. Yeah, Clint should probably sue the show for infringing on his style. Natasha, however, interrupts him.

“Stark, I don’t think anyone was ever cannibalized on  _Lost_. You’re mixing up your sci-fi genre shows.  But, what the hell, who do you think should get eaten first?”

“Natasha, really? You’re going to indulge this?”

She keeps her gaze on Tony while responding to Bruce. “Stark will tell us who he thinks should be eaten first, so we won’t hear any more on the topic, and we can move on to what we should be doing, such as fixing the communications on the quinjet to signal for help. Isn’t that right, Stark?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay, then. Who gets eaten first?”

“Thor.”

The Asgardian scrunches his face in confusion. “Me?”

“Yeah, it makes total sense. For some reason, Thunderstruck’s powers aren’t working on this impromptu tropical getaway, and although he’s still strong, we also have Steve here to fill the role of buff, blond strongman to lift the heavy things. We also have Bruce here to do his Jolly Green best at reaching anything up high, so Thor’s height doesn’t give him any merits to avoid becoming our lunch. It’s just extra meat to aid in our survival.”

Tony finishes by opening his arms as to dare any of them to question his logic.

Steve pinches the bridge of his nose; he’s already so done with this. “Tony, that’s dumber than your explanation of narwhals.”

“Would you look at them, Steve? Part whale, part unicorn. That is mad scientist stuff.”

“Tony, I know I was on ice for 70 years. The world is almost unrecognizable to me in so many ways. I still marvel at the helicarrier even though I work on it regularly. But I’m sure, at no point while I was asleep, did unicorns ever exist. Therefore, to have a scientist splice the two things you just mentioned would be even more impossible than it already is.”

“Asgard has unicorns,” Thor says.

“Oh, dear God.” Yeah, Steve is totally, utterly done with this. He moves slightly away from the group to sit on a big rock.

“Guys, enough,” Clint says. “Let’s get back to fixing the communications before we get a Fourth of July fireworks show from Cap exploding.” They all murmur their agreement. “Tony’s wrong anyway. Bruce gets eaten first.”

That earns the archer a smack to the head by Natasha.

“Why am I getting eaten first?”

Clint turns to Natasha for not-permission to explain, because Clint Barton doesn’t need permission from his girlfriend to say what he thinks. He’s just turning to look at her. Because she’s pretty.

Natasha rolls her eyes. Not-permission granted.

“Bruce, you Hulk out, you’re bigger than all of us three times over. You’d last us longer.”

“Uh, yeah. Dodo bird, there are several flaws in your choice,” Tony says. “Like how the hell are we capturing the Big Guy? The Iron Man suit’s kaput. Nothing works on it for some reason. And the combined strength of Cap and Thor are still no match for the Hulk. None of your tranquilizer arrows would even make him drowsy. And Natasha would—”

“Hit him in the crotch.”

“What?”

“You boys are always thinking with your guns and your muscles,” Natasha explains. “But what is the Hulk, really? He is basically just a very large man. And where is any man vulnerable?”

“The balls,” Bruce answers.

“You got it. If the Hulk ever becomes a threat, and I get a clear shot, I am aiming an arsenal of whatever I’ve got right for the heart of those purple pants.”

 All of the men cringe, but Bruce gives Natasha a smirk. He’s not sure, but that might actually work. He wouldn’t want to test it though, for obvious reasons.

Tony continues his argument with Clint. “Okay, fine. Even if we managed to take down the Big Guy, how are we storing him? We’re on a tropical island. You see any fridges around here?”

“You’re forgetting the most basic thing, Tony.”

“I’m sorry, Bruce. I’ve been rude. You should be part of the discussion about why we should or shouldn’t eat you.”

“Uh, thanks,” Bruce says. “Along with several other factors, the Hulk was created by eradiating my cells with gamma rays. He’s fueled by a whole different mixture of chemicals than humans. You’d just be poisoning yourselves if you ate him – uh, me.”

 “There you go. No eating Bruce. Clint, apologize.”

“ _What?_  You’re the one who brought this whole thing up, Stark. You owe us  _all_  an apology.”

“Pardon me, but is eating fellow warriors something that is done on your world?” Thor asks. He walks to Bruce, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Banner, trust me when I say this. I would never eat you. I’m saddened by the mere thought.”

And he does look stricken, utterly devastated by the whole conversation. His frown is mighty.

“Congratulations, Stark. You made Thor sad.” Natasha says. “That’s worse than making Steve sad, and he’s already pouting on a rock over there.”

Steve’s not really pouting. He’s been playing tic-tac-toe in the sand. “Oh, are we going to acknowledge the team leader now? Maybe actually follow orders and find a way off this island? Because if we’re still talking about this thing, I’ll just walk to that forest over there and bounce my shield off the tall trees.”

Steve might do it anyway, to be honest. Throwing his shield around is always fun. But he hears a collective  _yes, Captain_  and resists.

“Good. Let’s get back to work. Barton and Romanoff, you two get back on the jet and work on the comm system. Bruce, so we won’t have to eat you or Thor, assess our food supplies and other resources. If we don’t get the radio working, we’re likely in for a tropical retreat until we figure out other options to get us off this island.”

The three start walking toward what’s left of the quinjet.

“Thor, I have to ask again, why don’t your powers work?”

“I know not. The lightning, the atmosphere, they do not answer my call in this place.”

“Tony, what about you?”

Tony bends to pick up his faceplate from the neat pile he’s made of his suit on top of a blanket. “I just can’t figure out what’s wrong. Everything seems to be in working order, except for the minor issue of it not working at all.”

Steve stares at the jet’s wreckage. “That meshes with what happened in the air. The jet just … stopped. Everything just stopped working for no good reason.”

“Just say it. You know you want to. You’ll feel better.” Tony raises his eyebrows and leans forward in expectation. He wants Steve to say it. He  _needs_  Steve to say it. “Come on, we managed to get trapped in …”

Steve heaves a sigh and gives in because there’s no other explanation for what’s happened to them. “We’re in the Bermuda Triangle.”

“There you go! And lucky for all of us, along with my extensive knowledge of the television show  _Lost_ , I am also quite familiar with  _Gilligan’s Island_  and  _Survivor_.” Tony throws an arm over Steve’s broad shoulders. “So, Skipper, who’s going to be first to be voted off this island?”

 


End file.
